Guilt.
To be more specific, Mother's Guilt. From that moment on, it has only gotten more overwhelming. With every passing day there isn't a second that goes by where I'm not wondering if I'm doing what's best for my son. The choices that lie before me range from the mundane - what kind of socks do I buy? - to the pressing - what is the best way to console my child? Very rarely does a decision or question come along that I don't agonize over, no matter how trivial. My choices are deliberate, pointed, well-researched, and educated. I'm not saying I know everything about every choice I make, but I make every attempt to.
However, it's amazing how many well-meaning groups and individuals assume that if a new mother is not doing what they suggest, the mother is not only wrong, but she has clearly neglected to think that decision through and is, therefore, neglecting her child.
(This is not to say that I don't appreciate advice - I really have been enjoying hearing stories and advice from people and mothers. Some of those anecdotes are all that get me through a crying fit. It's the judgment that just kills me!)
I am going to stand up for all those guilt-ridden moms out there and say to all those well-meaning people -
1. We have thought through our decisions.
2. We love our child more than you do.
3. Our guilt is crippling at times. We don't need your help making it worse.
4. Tell me this kid isn't happy and healthy. I dare you..
6 comments:
"Are you saying you think any mistake I could ever make would throw a wrench in God's eternal plans for my son?" I wonder what people would say if you asked them that.
That's what guilt AND over-eager advice boil down to a lot of times, don't they? Forgetting that God's grace is big enough to cover all mistakes. And that HE loves your child even more than YOU do. Which is a pretty mind-boggling thing.
Loving Will is about the best thing you can do for him. Everything you choose out of love for him (and in the context of God's love for you both) is the best choice.
That's perfect, Suzanne! I totally agree! And I LOVE advice! I LOVE stories! I LOVE hearing from wise mothers! But when they turn into these judgmental rants...ugh!
And it does make beam with joy to think that God DOES love Will more than I could ever dream possible.
it's amazing that you said that, suzanne, 'cause that's exactly what i was going to say! that is the one truth that trumps all and i put my faith in the fact that god loves my ezra even more than i could ever imagine. bringing that to mind had the amazing, merciful ability to stop my guilt/tantrums/fears/tears dead in their tracks. it's such a powerful realization and so wonderful to understand an aspect of god that i don't feel i fully understood before i became a mother. and to comment on your post, beth, mommies can be the most EVIL, JUDGEMENTAL beings on the planet. i always remind myself that it's usually their insecurities that they are projecting onto me. i usually let them have their say and try to remind myself of that. it can be REALLY hard not to get myself all in a dither, though. next time we chat, i will have to let you know what happened with the doc last time i took ezra in. oh, my. i just could not believe the gall....
Oh, goodness, yes. Yes indeed. Advice = always fascinating, if not always helpful. Judgment (plus its ugly cousins condescension and cynicism) = pointless, and sometimes cruel. And, I have to say, for those of us who do not believe in god (and who are raising our children as ethical atheists), the judgment problem on that count becomes particularly acute at times. Like Beth (and like most, but unfortunately not all, parents) we've researched and thought and agonized over every element of our kids' lives. And yeah, no matter what, loving your babe really is the answer.
(and now I return to lurking and step down off *my* soapbox!)
Crap, I love this post.
And I will probably need to hear this when the Fancher clan decides to add another member. :)
Oh, you rock.
Sorry to have been the cause of him jumping inside you and therefore your guilt. Now I feel so guilty. Everything I do now, I'm gonna be like "is this in Beth's best interest?" Oh how will I live with myself.
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